Screwing in those Light Bulbs!

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Q: How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 15. One to hold the bulb and the rest to drink whiskey til the room spins.

Q: How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One to change it and 15 to form a support group.

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Q: How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate to the experience. 

Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five. One to change the bulb, and four more to chase off the Californians who have come up to relate to the experience. 

Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A1: None of your damn business!
A2: 50. 50? Yeah, 50! It’s in the contract. 

Q: How many WASPs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to call the electrician and one to mix the martinis. 

Q: How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three: One to write the light bulb removal program, One to write the light bulb insertion program, and one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure that nobody else tries to change the bulb at the same time. 

Q: How many straight San Franciscans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Both of them. 

Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to change the bulb and one not to change it. Note: 1 to change and 1 not to change is fake Zen. The true Zen answer is four. One to change the bulb. 

Q: How many Carl Sagans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Billions and billions. 

Q: How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the old light bulb was. 

Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two: One to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools. 

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Q: How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it sure takes a shitload of light bulbs! 

Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three: One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare. 

Q: How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, the bulb will change itself when it is ready. 

Q: What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
A: You can unscrew a light bulb. 

Q: How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three: One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number to dial one of their subordinates to actually change it. 

Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the pages state only “This page intentionally left blank”, and 20% of the definitions are of the form “A ——” consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks”. 

Q: How many Bratzlaver Chassidim does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They will never find one that burned as brightly as the first one.

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Q: How many professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it. 

Q: How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three: One to change the bulb, one to witness, and the third to shoot the witness. 

Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change. 

Q: How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. That’s a hardware problem.

Q: How many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: As many as you want; they’re all virtual anyway. 

Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
A: That’s proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment of license fee. 

Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done. 

Q: How many “Real Men” does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: None. “Real Men” aren’t afraid of the dark.
A2: None of your damn business! 

Q: How many “Real Women” does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. A “Real Woman” would have plenty of real men around to do it. 

Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. (“That’s all right… I’ll just sit here in the dark…”) 

Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. (Hint: they are small enough to fit inside) 

Q: How many Polacks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, but you need 6000 Russian troops in case he goes on strike! 

Q: How many WASPs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Silly, WASPs don’t screw in a light bulb, they screw in a hot tub. 

Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution. 

Q: How many Generals/Politicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 1,000,001: One to change the bulb, and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again. 

Q: How many med students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder out from under him. 

Q: How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three, but they’re really one. 

Q: How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but it takes at least three light bulbs. 

Q: How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: That’s not funny! 

Q: How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself. 

Q: How many supply-side economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in. 

Q: How many  does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 10: One to hold the bulb and nine to rotate the ladder. 

Q: How many strong  does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 115: One to hold the bulb and 114 to rotate the house. 

Q: How many  gods does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the planet. 

Q: How many people does it take to throw away a one Watt bulb?
A: Five: A Black, a Jew, two women, and a cripple… 

Q: How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. It turned itself in. 

Q: How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Fifty-one: One to install the new bulb, and fifty to figure what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years. 

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many can you afford? 

Q: How many football players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The entire team! And they all get a semester’s credit for it! 

Q: How many lesbians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three: One to screw it in, and two to talk about how much better it is than with a man. 

Q: How many thought police does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. There never *was* any light bulb. 

Q: How many federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Sorry, that item was cut from the budget! 

Q: How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One-third less than for a regular bulb. 

Q: How many Jewish-American Princesses does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to get a Tab, and one to call Daddy. 

Q: How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: What kind of answer did you have in mind? 

Q: How many economists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two: One to change the bulb, and the other to assume the ladder. 

Q: How many civil servants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 45: One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork. 

Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end. 

Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a cosmos of nothingness. 

Q: How many junkies does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Who says it’s dark? 

Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I’ll have an estimate for you a week from Monday. 

Q: How many U.S. Marines does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 50: One to screw in the bulb and 49 to guard him. 

Q: How many members of the Impossible Missions Force does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five: While Cinnamon creates a diversion by wearing a skimpy dress, I use a tiny narcotic dart to knock out the fascist dictator and remove his body. Rollin, wearing a plastic mask, masquerades as the dictator long enough for Barney to sneak up to the next floor, drill a hole down into the light fixture, remove the burned-out bulb, and replace it with a new super-high wattage model of his own design. Meanwhile, Willie has driven up to the door in a laundry truck. Just before Rollin’s real identity is revealed, we escape to the laundry truck, drive to the airfield, and return to the United States. 

Q: How many technical writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one, provided there’s a programmer around to explain how to do it. 

Q: How many editors of Poor Richard’s Almanac does it take to replace a light bulb?
A: Many hands make light work. 

Q: How many Harvard students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one. He holds the light bulb and the universe revolves around him.

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