The True History of Grits

Submitted by Julie Boll Earnshaw

What Are Grits?

jodies_grits

Nobody knows. Some folks believe grits are grown on bushes and are harvested by midgets by shaking the bushes after spreading sheets around them. Many people feel that grits are made from ground up bits of white corn.

These are obviously lies spread by Communists and terrorists. Nothing as good as Grits can be made from corn. The most recent research suggests that the mysterious Manna that God rained down upon the Israelites during their time in the Sinai Desert was most likely Grits. Critics disagree, stating that there is no record of biscuits, butter, salt, and red eye gravy raining down from the sky, and that God would not punish his people by forcing them to eat Grits without these key ingredients.

 

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How Grits Are Formed:

Grits are formed deep underground under intense heat and pressure. It takes over 1000 years to form a single Grit. Most of the world’s grit mines are in the South, and are guarded day and night by armed guards and pit bull dogs. Harvesting the Grit is a dangerous occupation, and many Grit miners lose their lives each year so that Grits can continue to be served morning after morning for breakfast (not that having Grits for lunch and dinner is out of the question).

Yankees have attempted to create synthetic Grits. They call it Cream of Wheat. As far as we can tell, the key ingredients of Cream of Wheat are Elmer’s Glue and shredded Styrofoam. These synthetic grits have also been shown to cause nausea, and may leave you unable to have children.

Historical Grits:

As we mentioned earlier, the first known mention of Grits was by the Ancient Israelites in the Sinai Desert . After that, Grits were not heard from for another 1000 years. Experts feel that Grits were used during this time only during secret religious ceremonies, and were kept from the public due to their rarity.

Gathering Manna Exodus 16:14-31

Grits or “Manna” was discovered by the Israelites

The next mention of Grits was found amidst the ruins of the ancient city of Pompeii in a woman’s personal diary. The woman’s name was Herculaneum Jemimaneus (Aunt Jemima to her friends.)

nancy%20greenAunt Jemima brought Grits back to the modern world

The 10 Commandments of Grits

I. Thou shalt not put syrup on thy Grits
II. Thou shalt not eat thy Grits with a spoon or knife
III. Thou shalt not eat Cream of Wheat and call it Grits, for this is blasphemy ..
IV. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s Grits.
V. Thou shalt use only salt, butter, and red-eye gravy as toppings for thy Grits.
VI Thou shalt not eat Instant Grits.
VII. Thou shalt not put ketchup on thy Grits.
VIII. Thou shalt not put margarine on thy Grits.
IX. Thou shalt not eat toast with thy Grits, only biscuits made from scratch.
X. Thou shalt eat grits on the Sabbath for this is manna from heaven.

the10commandments

How to Cook Grits:

For one serving of Grits:
Boil 1.5 cups of water with salt and a little butter. [Use milk and they are creamier!)
Add 5 Tbsp of Grits.
Reduce to a simmer and allow the Grits to soak up all the water.
When a pencil stuck into the grits stands alone, it is done. That’s all there is to cooking grits.

How to make red eye gravy
Fry salt cured country ham in cast iron pan. Remove the ham when done and add coffee to the gravy and simmer for several minutes. Great on grits and biscuits.

How to Eat Grits:

Immediately after removing your grits from the stove top, add a generous portion of butter or red eye gravy (WARNING: Do NOT use low-fat butter.) The butter should cause the Grits to turn a wondrous shade of yellow. (Hold a banana or a yellow rain slicker next to your Grits; if the colors match, you have the correct amount of butter.)

In lieu of butter, pour a generous helping of red eye gravy on your grits. Be sure to pour enough to have some left for sopping up with your biscuits. Never, ever substitute canned or store bought biscuits for the real thing because they cause rotten teeth and impotence.

Next, add salt. (NOTICE: The correct ration of Grit to Salt is 10: 1 Therefore for every 10 grits, you should have 1 grain of salt.)

Now begin eating your grits. Always use a fork, never a spoon, to eat Grits. Your grits should be thick enough so they do not run through the tines of the fork.

The correct beverages to serve with Grits is black coffee and Bloody Mary’s. (DO NOT use cream or, heaven forbid, Skim Milk). Your grits should never be eaten in a bowl because Yankees will think it’s cream of wheat.

Ways to Eat Leftover Grits:

(Leftover grits are extremely rare)
Spread them in the bottom of a casserole dish,
Cover and place them in the refrigerator overnight.
The Grits will congeal into a gelatinous mass.
Next morning, slice the Grits into squares and fry them in 1/2″ of cooking oil and butter until they turn a golden brown.
Many people are tempted to pour syrup onto Grits served this way. This is, of course, unacceptable.

BLESSING BEFORE EATING GRITS

May the Lord bless these grits,
May no Yankee ever get the recipe,
May I eat grits every day while living,
And may I die while eating grits.

AMEN

“Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity”

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10 thoughts on “The True History of Grits

  1. no sugar?! I love sugar…but they are right my husband is a yankee and he thinks cream of wheat is the same thing as grits…its safe to say we do NOT purchase cream of wheat in my house…only grits!

  2. no sugar on grits!!!! That’s right!!! Salt, pepper and butter only (maybe some cheese). I’m embarassed to say my husband puts sugar on his. When we were first married and he did this the first time I made grits. I could not believe what he was doing!!! I’ve raised my kids to leave the sugar for oatmeal. (We don’t eat cream of wheat.)

  3. I consider myself a real Texan. I was born and raised in Texas. Yes, I did live in Florida, Massachusetts and New Jersey for many years, but I got back to Texas asap. However, I my background must be deficient, because I still have not developed a taste for true grits.

  4. Sorry but honey, syrup, or sorghum molasses are all acceptable on leftover grits that have been chilled, sliced, and fried. A word of warning on this method, be sure and dredge the slices in flour before frying, otherwise they will pop on your and possibly cause curse words to spill from your lips. This was one of the favorite breakfast foods of my departed mother who lived to the age of 100. They must be good for you!

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