Notes from an inexperienced Chili tester named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast: “Recently I was honored to be selected a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking directions to the beer wagon, wht the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy, and besides, they told I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.”
Here are the scorecards from the event:
CHILI #1: Mike’s Maniac Mobster Chili
Judge One: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge Two: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Frank: Holy cow, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
CHILI #2: Arthur’s Afterburner Chili
Judge One: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
Judge Two: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Frank: Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
CHILI #3: Fred’s Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
Judge One: Excellent firehouse chili. Great Kick.
Judge Two: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Frank: Call the EPA, I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting drain cleaner. Everyone knows the routine by now – get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting stupid from all the beer.
CHILI #4: Bubba’s Black Magic
Judge One: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge Two: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Frank: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; coyote-ugly gal is starting to look HOT just like this nuclear waste I’m eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
CHILI #5: Linda’s Legal Lip Remover
Judge One: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge Two: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Frank: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off? It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. To heck with those rednecks!
CHILI #6: Vera’s Very Vegetarian Variety
Judge One: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
Judge Two: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Frank: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous sulfuric flames. I messed in my pants when I farted and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone!
CHILI #7: Susan’s Screaming Sensation Chili
Judge One: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge Two: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge Number 3, he appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Frank: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a damn thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like turds to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing, it’s too painful. Screw it, I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI #8: Lester’s Last of the Red-Hot Lover’s Chili
Judge One: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare it’s existence.
Judge Two: This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild or hot.
Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it.
Poor Yank, wonder how he’d have reacted to a really hot chili?
A Message from Big Al