THE BEST FRUIT CAKE RECIPE YOU’LL EVER FIND

posted by staff

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You’ll need the following: a cup of water, a cup of sugar, four large eggs, two cups of dried fruit, a teaspoon of baking soda, a teaspoon of salt, a cup of brown sugar, lemon juice, nuts, and a bottle of Texas Silver Star Whiskey.

Sample the whiskey to check for quality. Image

Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again. To be sure it is the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.

Make sure the whiskey is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer. Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whiskey again. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find. Milk maybe. Moooo. Haha that’s the sound a cow makes.

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Tune Offen the grease. Turn the cake tine to 350 degrees or 375. Donut forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window, check the whiskey again and go to bed. zzzzzzzz…..

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You might be in a Texas Country Church if…

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1. The doors are never locked.
2. The Call to Worship is “Ya’ll come on in!”
3. People grumble about Noah letting coyotes on the Ark.
4. The Preacher says, “I’d like to ask Bubba to take up the offering”, and five men stand up.
5. The restrooms are outside.
6. Opening day of deer or quail hunting season is recognized as an official church holiday.
7. A member requests to be buried in his four-wheel drive truck because,
“I ain’t ever been in a hole it couldn’t get me out of.”
8. In the annual stewardship drive there is at least one pledge of “two calves.”cowboysunset
9. Never in its entire 100-year history has one of its pastors had to buy any meat or vegetables.
10. When it rains, everybody’s smiling.
11. Prayers regarding the weather are a standard part of every worship service.
12. A singing group is known as the “OK Chorale.”
13. The church directory doesn’t have last names.
14. The pastor wears boots.
15. Four generations of one family sits together in worship every Sunday.
16. The only time people lock their cars in the parking lot is during the summer, and then only so their neighbors can’t leave them a bag of squash.
17. There is no such thing as a “secret” sin.
18. Baptism is referred to as “branding.” _3Full-immersionbaptismincowtroughCowboyChurch2008IMG_2054
19. There is a special fund-raiser for a new septic tank.
20. Finding and returning lost sheep is not just a parable.
21. You miss worship one Sunday morning and by 2 o’clock that afternoon you have had a dozen calls inquiring about your health.
22. High notes on the organ sets dogs in the parking lot to howling.
23. People wonder when Jesus fed the 5000 whether the two fish were bass or catfish.
24. People think “Rapture” is what happens when you lift something too heavy.
25. The cemetery is in such barren ground that people are buried with a sack of fertilizer to help them rise on Judgment Day.
26. It’s not heaven, but you can see heaven from there.
27. The final words of the benediction are “Ya’ll come on back now, ya’ hear?

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A LUCKY BREAK

Author Unknown

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Five local buckaroos were playing poker at the Silver Spur Saloon when one of the players, named Owen, loses five hundred dollars on a single hand. It was just too much for his weak old heart to take.  As he clutched at his chest, he stood up and promptly dropped dead at the table.

Showing the greatest respect for their fallen comrade, the other buckaroos finished the hand standing on their feet.

Frank, the youngest of the bunch looks around the table and asks his fellow buckaroos, “Well now, which one of us is going to tell his wife?”

No one readily volunteered for the job so they decided to draw straws for the “privilege”.

Garrett, who usually ended up the loser at such contests, was true to form as he managed to draw the shortest of the straws.

His friends were more than willing to offer him their sound advice to be discreet and gentle, and to not make a bad situation any worse than it already was.

“Discreet? Why I’m the most discreet man you’ll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name,” bragged Garrett. “You just leave it to me.”

Garrett made his way to the house of Owen Smith and knocked on the door.

Owens’s wife answered and asked the young buckaroo standing at the door what he wanted.

Garrett shyly looked at the ground and scuffed at the dirt some with the toe of his boot before finally mustering up the courage to inform Owens’s wife of the situation,
“Maam, your husband just lost five hundred dollars playing cards.”

Owens’s wife was furious, “YOU GO BACK AND TELL THAT NO GOOD SHEEP TENDER TO DROP DEAD!”

Garrett, seeing his opportunity, replied, “That’s why I’m here, ma’am.”

———————————————
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This Christmas Season, display this one-of-a-kind ornament on your tree.
The Bluebonnet ornament made from paper mache’ has seeds embedded inside so you can plant the
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BUT 10 GET 2 FREE!!!!!
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Why We Shoot Deer In The Wild (As Opposed to Roping)

Why we shoot deer in the wild: (A letter from someone who wants to remain anonymous, who farms, writes well, and actually tried this)
         I had this idea that I could rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it.  The first step in this adventure was getting a deer.  I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.
        I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back.  They were not having any of it.  After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up — 3 of them.  I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope.  The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold.
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       The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards it, it took a step away.  I put a little tension on the rope, and then received an education.  The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope. That deer EXPLODED.  The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity.  A deer– no Chance.  That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled.  There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it.  As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined.  The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals. A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up.  It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison.  I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.
 deer_attack_area     I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer.  At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.  Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer’s momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in. I didn’t want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder – a little trap I had set before hand…kind of like a squeeze chute.  I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.
      Did you know that deer bite?  They do!  I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when ….. I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist.  Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and slide off to then let go.  A deer bites you and shakes its head–almost like a pit bull.  They bite HARD and it hurts.
     The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly.  I tried screaming and shaking instead.  My method was ineffective.
     It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds.  I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now), tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose.
    That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.11523252.gif
     Deer will strike at you with their front feet.  They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp… I learned a long time ago that, when an animal -like a horse –strikes at you with their hooves and you can’t get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal.  This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.
    This was not a horse.  This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work.  In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy.  I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run. The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.
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     Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave.  I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed.  What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.
     I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away.  So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope……to sort of even the odds!!
    All these events are true so help me God… An Educated Farmer.

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You Know You’re In Texas When

AUTHOR UNKNOWN
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  • You only know five spices-salt, pepper, Ranch dressing, BBQ Sauce and ketchup.
  • You design your Halloween costume to fit over Wranglers and Cowboy Boots.
  • The mosquitoes have landing lights.
  • You have more miles on your tractor than your car.
  • You have 10 favorite recipes for Deer meat.
  • You’ve taken your kids trick-or-treating when it was 90 degrees outside.
  • Driving is better after it’s rained because the potholes are filled with mud and you don’t have to take those backroads to go “mudding.”
  • You think sexy lingerie is tube-socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons.
  • You owe more money on your bulldozer than your car.
  • The local paper covers national and international headlines on 1 page,
  • but requires 6 pages for local sports.
  • You can write a check at Dairy Queen for 2 Hungr-Busters and fries.
  • At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.
  • The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.
  • Your leaf-blower gets stuck on the roof.
  • You think the start of Deer season is a national holiday.
  • You frequently clean grease off your barbecue so the coyotes won’t prowl on your deck.
  • You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
  • The major county fund-raiser isn’t bingo – it’s sausage making.
  • You find 70 degrees Fahrenheit a little chilly.
  • The trunk of your car doubles as a sauna.
  • You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelry, and your Cowboy Boots.
  • You know 4 seasons – Almost Summer, Summer, Still Summer and Deer Season
  • You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your Texan friends.

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Don’t let the cold weather keep you down. This Christmas Season, display this one-of-a-kind ornament on your tree.
The Bluebonnet ornament has seeds embedded within the paper so
next year you can plant the ornament to have beautiful Texas Bluebonnets around your house.

CLICK HERE:

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